Friday, October 13, 2006

One, Two ... Freddy's Coming for You

I'm not on board with so-called horror movies, particularly due to their glorification of and fascination with evil. With the season of deviltry approaching (i.e., Halloween) I'm sure horror movies will be in vogue once again.

However, even as a non-Christian I was never a fan of horror movies, mainly because of the abundance of the cliche and the idiotic behavior of the characters.

I came across the following whereby I think the author feels my pain.

1. When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed or satanic rituals, move away immediately.

3. Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.

4. If children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be prepared.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, never go alone.

6. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

7. If you're running from the monster, you will most likely trip or fall. If you are female you will.

8. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine, especially if it is called Derry.

9. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

10. When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.

11. People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.

12. Do not call the police as they are either evil and will turn you in or will not believe you and laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.

13. If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster.

14. If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get out of there.

15. Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.

16. If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack promiscuous teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!

17. If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise utterly destroy him.


At 13 October, 2006 14:29, Blogger Rev. said...

"Five, six, grab a crucifix. Seven, eight, better stay up late. Nine, ten, never... never...Never sleep again. Where did you learn that rhyme?" A child won't be harmed, unless they are on Elm Street. Then, as Freddy declared, "They give me strength!"

Have to admit that I've never been a big fan of the horror genre either. As your list demonstrates, the genre is too predictable, etc. Of course, some of the newer flicks in this genre (e.g., Saw) are utterly barbaric and depraved. I refuse to put such things before my eyes.

Anyone up for a comedy?

At 13 October, 2006 19:04, Blogger GUNNY said...

Some horror movies I've seen have unintentional comedic content!

I'm always up for a good comedy.

So, you thinking Tommy Boy or Fletch?

At 14 October, 2006 04:52, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fletch trumps Tommy Boy any day of the week and twice on Sundays. Fletch Lives was also good - "Expose your problem, brother."

At 14 October, 2006 10:57, Blogger Rev. said...

Gotta go with Fletch, which does have an element of the horror genre in it - "Moon River"


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