a jelly donut?!

A little rant for your viewing pleasure.

Gut essen!

King Pin made a comment in another venue about pizza buffets and their sneakiness. The name of the place in question will remain nameless to protect the guilty, but he exposed the "all we are putting out now is gross combo to try and get rid of you" trick.

I fancy myself as a buffet strategist, in general, and a pizza buffet strategist, in particular. So, let me opine.

King Pin has exposed a classic pizza buffet trick, put out the cag pizza so it can sit there and hog space so you don't have to put out the good stuff. This way people will will get filled up on filler (e.g., breadsticks, salad, etc.) or eat the less expensive pizza.

From my storied past as a cook/delivery driver par excellence of Pizza Inn I learned that the meat toppings are the most expensive for them, so places tend to have at least a few "supreme" or "veggie" pizzas on the buffet to stall. But, they know almost all kids can/will eat cheese pizza and (almost) everyone likes pepperoni. So, it shocks me whenever I see the buffet and there's not a standing one of each of those.

There's sooo much "trick it up pizza" at times. What's with the pepperoni & jalapeño or the Canadian bacon & pineapple? Now, don't get me wrong, I understand the need for a little variety and that people might like that. However, people need to take into account the lowest common denominator principle. For example, a person who likes pepperoni & jalapeño will also like/eat pepperoni. However, the pepperoni lover may not want a pizza contaminated with jalapeño juice (anticipating the "just take it off" comments), likewise with pineapple juice.

I got no problem with some slooge pizza for variety, but that should only be the case when you have a good range of "popular pizza" from which to choose.

When I walk up to a buffet and see only supreme, hamburger & onion, veggie pizza, chicken slooge pizza, pepperoni & jalapeño, and some cag pizza I'm not even able to identify, I have to wonder (a) do they not understand human pizza eating patterns or (b) are they trying to beat us down to consume filler or motivate us to move on or get filled up on drink or what?!
There's another trick which is related to the "slooge pizza" trick, which is the stall tactic. Here they just wait you out so you get impatient and go home. Incidentally, this is a particularly popular trick where it's an "all you can eat" where they bring you the food, but others at the table may have something else (i.e., not all you can eat). Here, they make you out to be the bad Ag because you're holding up everyone else who wants to go because they're all done with their meals (especially when kids are involved) and you're just now finishing your second round of all you can eat catfish. How many of you know what I'm talkin' about?

In such a scenario, order your next round of whatever as soon as each round comes. Don't be concerned about the "What's up with this weirdo?" look you get from the server. That's just how they play the game, one of their intimidation tactics. The greatest example of poetry in motion with regard to an all you can eat was when I went with my Los Guys to Texas Land & Cattle for the Monday night all you can eat smoked sirloin. We hit it ... hard. Round after round we goes, where we'll stop ... nobody knows.

Okay, back to pizza; here are some practical suggestions.

Pizza Buffet Pointers (i.e., to get money's worth, not to minimize weight gain):

• Avoid the carbonated beverage (fills you up, leaving less room for pizza; if a drink is included in the price, go with tea).
• Avoid the dessert pizza (e.g., the jelly donut pizza, etc.; get a piece for the road if you must, but minimize room that could be filled with the real stuff).
• Minimize the pepperoni rolls type slooge (sooo much bread=sooo filling).
• Minimize the slooge pizza, majoring in the meats instead.
• Don't be afraid/shy to ask for a specific type of pizza on the buffet (most places happily accommodate and appreciate hearing what folks might want).
• Get there earlier, rather than later (I like to have the family set up at the table ready to roll with drinks in hand with the buffet starts at 1700 hours).
• Sigh heavily when those in front of you in line waffle around trying to get a piece of pizza so they will quickly move on rather than take that last piece of meat lovers you have your eye on.
• Help unsupervised kids (this is the Christian thing to do, but also speeds them up and keeps them from dumping their plates or getting sloogey paws on the community pizza spatula or otherwise derailing the process).
• Speaking of kids, give up any hope of your 5 year old daugther getting her money's worth (life will be easier if you early on realize she just wants to get some carrots from the salad bar and pester you for a quarter to get a gumball, while she chomps on the occassional cracker).
• Don't be in a hurry, remember pizza buffet is not a 50-yard dash, but a marathon (as such, it's not as important how you start as how you finish).
• Try to keep your used plates (these are your "victories" and can be used for comparison purposes to show Oilcan that you still own him).
• Try to go with eaters, rather than talkers (you want someone who will competitively encourage you on toward love and good deeds; cf. Heb 10:24).
• Have fun and gratefully enjoy God's common grace as it is delivered in the form of a pizza (cf. James 1:17).
• Avoid, or at least minimize, the crust (again, filler and of the highest order; if you must consume, do so with some sort of dipping sauce to ease its passage to prepare for more pizza to come).
• Lastly, if you're part of an accountability program (weight, exercise, etc.) then I suggest you NOT do pizza buffet for the prior meal (the optimal time for such would be as a (albeit counterproductive) reward).