
In light of the Superbowl this Sunday, here are some football terms used to describe ecclesiastical phenomena. I'm sure you've seen similar compilations, but I've added a few and tweaked some.
I've commented before about Americans'
greater fidelity and patience for sports than for church. Hey,
no excuses. Play like a champion.
Incidentally,
you better not skip church tonight for the Superbowl. That's what TiVo is for!
Excessive timeouts: too many stories told by the pastor to cover up for lack of exegetical work
Eligible receiver: one who receives the Word and puts it into practice
Winning percentage: progressive sanctification unfolding
Quarterback Sneak: when the pastor makes a move that the elders and/or deacons weren’t prepared for
Scrimmage: informal meeting of ministry leaders to divide resources
Extra Point: when you thought you heard the pastor say, in conclusion” at least fifteen minutes earlier
Draw Play: what children do with the hymnal during worship
Benchwarmer: Those who never get involved in church ministry
Sidelines: where lukewarm Christians are, watching the plays unfold
Running back: a Sunday school teacher not afraid to meet the opponent head on by faithfully proclaiming biblical truth
Linebacker: one who defends the faith against all enemies, foreign and domestic
Back Judge: one who only criticizes and never gets in the game
Nose tackle: method employed to keep church gossip to a minimum
Assistant coach: an assistant or associate pastor
Stiff Arm: (1) necessary for the overly huggy greeter (2) not laying hands on anyone quickly.
Off-season: summer when church attendance drops dramatically
Overtime: sermon continues into the start of the football game
Coin toss: passing the offering plate
Pigskin: spiral ham at the church "Pot Providence" dinner
Punt: where the pastor doesn't understand the text, so he explains the meaning of the Greek words instead
Punt return: in response to the pastor's punt when the seminary student corrects his use of the Greek
Defensive holding: gripping the back of the pew in front of you when under conviction
Delay of game: tense time when one is singing a "special" but the CD is not cued to the correct song
Offensive guard: those who give a stern look to anyone aiming to leave early
Quick count: quick count of congregation to be certain there are enough communion cups prepared
Dead ball: awkward silence in the sermon when the pastor is waiting for an amen that never comes
Roster: official list of church members, some of which are have moved or have died
Unnecessary roughness: where gossiping has become a spiritual gift
Formation: theose with whom we gather in the foyer after the service
Signals: silent communication between the music director and musicians
Time Out: when the pastor hasn't prepared and decides he is led by the Spirit to have a testimonial Sunday instead
Field Goal: getting at least something out of a poorly prepared sermon
Safety: evidence that nobody on the elder board has the pastor's back
Touchdown: during the sermon when one hears and recognizes the necessity of change to conform to the ways of God
Special teams: church finance committee
Fumble: when the preacher mispronounces Old Testament names when reading the passage, a recovery is when he is at least consistent with the mispronunciation
Penalty Flag: when someone loving confronts an errant teacher, as the Bereans did with Paul
Game ball: the Bible
Home-field advantage: when seasoned veterans know where are the hot & cold spots in the sanctuary
Nickel back: when the sermon goes five minutes over and you punish him with less offering
Dime back: giving a tenth of your income to the church
Huddle: laying on of hands in prayer
Head coach: the senior pastor
Reverse: an Arminian who became Reformed or vice versa
Too many men on the field: congregational form of government (mob rule)
Interference: the noisy children around you who are more entertaining the follow than the sermon
Incompletion: one who never showed up for his/her baptismal date
Unsportsmanlike conduct: gossip about another member
Half-time: the period between Sunday School and the main worship service when some sneak out and some sneak in
Man in Motion: making a potty run during the service
Staying in the Pocket: what happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work
Two-minute Warning: the point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and people start zipping up their Bibles
Instant Replay: the pastor had a busy week and just rehashes old material
Sudden Death: what happens to a church where sin is tolerated
Trap: you're called on for the closing prayer and miss your cue
End Run: taking the long way to your seat to avoid talking to someone

Flex Defense: the ability to see all the points of the sermon as pertaining only to others
Halfback Option: not returning for evening services
Screen Play: using video and/or PowerPoint as part of worship, particularly in a church large enough that folks watch the screen and not the people
Blitz: the mass exodus to get to the favorite restaurants as quickly as possible