Sunday, February 04, 2007

How much you want to make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?

In light of the Superbowl this Sunday, here are some football terms used to describe ecclesiastical phenomena. I'm sure you've seen similar compilations, but I've added a few and tweaked some.

I've commented before about Americans' greater fidelity and patience for sports than for church. Hey, no excuses. Play like a champion.

Incidentally, you better not skip church tonight for the Superbowl. That's what TiVo is for!

Excessive timeouts: too many stories told by the pastor to cover up for lack of exegetical work

Eligible receiver: one who receives the Word and puts it into practice

Winning percentage: progressive sanctification unfolding

Quarterback Sneak: when the pastor makes a move that the elders and/or deacons weren’t prepared for

Scrimmage: informal meeting of ministry leaders to divide resources

Extra Point: when you thought you heard the pastor say, in conclusion” at least fifteen minutes earlier

Draw Play: what children do with the hymnal during worship

Benchwarmer: Those who never get involved in church ministry

Sidelines: where lukewarm Christians are, watching the plays unfold

Running back: a Sunday school teacher not afraid to meet the opponent head on by faithfully proclaiming biblical truth

Linebacker: one who defends the faith against all enemies, foreign and domestic

Back Judge: one who only criticizes and never gets in the game

Nose tackle: method employed to keep church gossip to a minimum

Assistant coach: an assistant or associate pastor

Stiff Arm: (1) necessary for the overly huggy greeter (2) not laying hands on anyone quickly.

Off-season: summer when church attendance drops dramatically

Overtime: sermon continues into the start of the football game

Coin toss: passing the offering plate

Pigskin: spiral ham at the church "Pot Providence" dinner

Punt: where the pastor doesn't understand the text, so he explains the meaning of the Greek words instead

Punt return: in response to the pastor's punt when the seminary student corrects his use of the Greek

Defensive holding: gripping the back of the pew in front of you when under conviction

Delay of game: tense time when one is singing a "special" but the CD is not cued to the correct song

Offensive guard: those who give a stern look to anyone aiming to leave early

Quick count: quick count of congregation to be certain there are enough communion cups prepared

Dead ball: awkward silence in the sermon when the pastor is waiting for an amen that never comes

Roster: official list of church members, some of which are have moved or have died

Unnecessary roughness: where gossiping has become a spiritual gift

Formation: theose with whom we gather in the foyer after the service

Signals: silent communication between the music director and musicians

Time Out: when the pastor hasn't prepared and decides he is led by the Spirit to have a testimonial Sunday instead

Field Goal: getting at least something out of a poorly prepared sermon

Safety: evidence that nobody on the elder board has the pastor's back

Touchdown: during the sermon when one hears and recognizes the necessity of change to conform to the ways of God

Special teams: church finance committee

Fumble: when the preacher mispronounces Old Testament names when reading the passage, a recovery is when he is at least consistent with the mispronunciation

Penalty Flag: when someone loving confronts an errant teacher, as the Bereans did with Paul

Game ball: the Bible

Home-field advantage: when seasoned veterans know where are the hot & cold spots in the sanctuary

Nickel back: when the sermon goes five minutes over and you punish him with less offering

Dime back: giving a tenth of your income to the church

Huddle: laying on of hands in prayer

Head coach: the senior pastor

Reverse: an Arminian who became Reformed or vice versa

Too many men on the field: congregational form of government (mob rule)

Interference: the noisy children around you who are more entertaining the follow than the sermon

Incompletion: one who never showed up for his/her baptismal date

Unsportsmanlike conduct: gossip about another member

Half-time: the period between Sunday School and the main worship service when some sneak out and some sneak in

Man in Motion: making a potty run during the service

Staying in the Pocket: what happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work

Two-minute Warning: the point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and people start zipping up their Bibles

Instant Replay: the pastor had a busy week and just rehashes old material

Sudden Death: what happens to a church where sin is tolerated

Trap: you're called on for the closing prayer and miss your cue

End Run: taking the long way to your seat to avoid talking to someone

Flex Defense: the ability to see all the points of the sermon as pertaining only to others

Halfback Option: not returning for evening services

Screen Play: using video and/or PowerPoint as part of worship, particularly in a church large enough that folks watch the screen and not the people

Blitz: the mass exodus to get to the favorite restaurants as quickly as possible


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